• Bonus Case Study With Solution

    Poorly Organized E-Mail

    Your Task. The following poorly organized and poorly written e-mail message needs revision. Study the message and list its specific weaknesses. Then revise it to create a polite, concise, and readable message.


     

    To:          Department Managers
    From:      Susan Marino <smarino@tgindustries>
    Subject:   Hiring

    ____________________________________________________________________________

     


    This is to inform you that we are considering hiring new employees, after a long period in which we were forbidden to hire at all. The economy seems to be improving, and everyone is pleased that it is finally looking up. We have five candidates lined up to be interviewed, and your presence is required to avoid making poor decisions. Mark your calendars for three upcoming interviewing sessions. The first is May 5 in the Conference Room. The second meeting is scheduled for May 9 in Office 22 (the Conference Room was already scheduled). On May 12 we can finish up in the Conference Room.

     

    Attached are résumés of the five candidates we have scheduled. These are promising candidates. In view of the fact that your projects need talented new team members, I should not have to urge you to attend and be well prepared. This is our chance to work together to hire the top people you select and need. For these interviews to be successful, you must examine all the candidates' résumés and send me your ranking lists.

    Susan Marino, Manager
    Human Resources
    smarino@tgindustries


    Weaknesses

    • Starts indirectly with an explanation instead of the main idea.
    • Suffers from long lead-ins (this is to inform you that, in view of the fact that) and other wordiness.
    • Does not provide helpful subject line.
    • Sounds negative (forbidden to hire, avoid making poor decisions, should not have to urge you to attend)
    • Fails to present dates and rooms in a list that could improve readability.
    • Does not include an end date for returning the rankings.
    • Gives commands instead of making polite requests (Mark your calendars, you must examine).
    • Repeats unnecessarily (economy seems to be improving, everyone is pleased it is looking up)

    Possible Solution

    To:          Department Managers
    From:      Susan Marino <smarino@tgindustries>
    Subject:   Interviewing Five Employment Candidates
    ____________________________________________________________________________
    Because we are now authorized to hire new employees, we have scheduled five promising candidates to be interviewed on the following dates:

    May 5       Conference Room
    May 9       Office 22
    May 12     Conference Room

    Before the meetings, please study the candidates' attached résumés. Send me your ranking lists before May 1 so that we can work together to hire the top people you select.

    Susan Marino, Manager
    Human Resources
    smarino@tgindustries